Could it possibly be?

The last few days every time I have sneezed (fairly regularly given the cold, cold weather around here) I have felt a small flutter in my belly. At first I thought there was no way it could be my baby, that I must just be imagining it, but it is getting stronger day by day...

Is week 16 too soon to feel it?

I wish I knew what to expect with the baby moving. Everyone seems to describe it differently.

Oh well, if it is, then it is amazing and magic to think that my baby is moving inside me. If it is not, I am sure it will happen soon enough and then it will be amazing and magical!

It took me no time at all to realise and accept that I was pregnant.

It took me a little while longer to realise that that meant I was going to have a baby.

Now I am just waiting for it to sink in that the baby I am having is inside me. I think when I know I can feel its movements, that will be when I really put all of the peices together.

15 weeks 1 day

The joys...

I really, really mean it...

I want you to go and leave me.

I need you to leave me.

I will feel peace at releasing you.

You have caused me so much pain already.

If only I could fart.

This is my ode to one of the many joys of pregnancy: flatulence.

9 month panic attack

(title stolen from article on 'the opposite of knocked-up' blog)

I had quite a major freak out yesterday. I have been feeling unwell (not unlike morning sickness - but that 'stopped' a few weeks ago) for the last few days and woke up to get breakfast yesterday and had only just made it to the kitchen before I was doubled over in pain.

I sometimes get pain when I need to use the bathroom, and since I have been so 'blocked up' lately I assumed I just needed to have a 'number 2'. So I proceeded to the bathroom where the pain continued and I stared thinking about all the horrible things that could be causing the pain. Of course my biggest concern was Pudding's well being.

Bring on the panic attack!

I am not a stranger to being called 'highly strung', 'type A personality, etc, etc. I am also easily talked into physical symptoms I read about (I have even convinced myself that I was having a heart attack after the new 'how to know when you are having a heart attack' commercials were first released - how's that for highly strung hypochondriac behaviour?!)

So sitting there on the loo, stressing over my baby and I started to get all hot and had to tear my clothing off straight away, I started to get dizzy and my hearing started dimming (this happens right before I faint normally). I was a sight for sore eyes by the time my husband arose from his peaceful slumber to attend to my calls for help. 'Honey, I think I am very unwell'

Anyway, by the time my husband calmed me down and I managed to use the bathroom (in front of him for the first time after 5 years of living together! Yuck!), the pain started to subside, as did my panic attack.

So all of that fuss over a bowel movement!

I did ofcourse take the day of work, which wasn't entirely through laziness - the pain took a while to go away entirely and I thought it best to see my doctor (despite it being a 40 minute drive each way).

Of course I knew the doctor couldn't do anything for me, she had a feel around and said not to worry - offered me a referral for ultrasound if I really wanted it (which I really did want but felt a bit silly going for another one) and I insisted she take my blood pressure since I'd made the big trek out there (which is a little silly as my blood pressure is normally 'low' and throughout pregnancy has only risen to 'normal').

Hense the title, I think this 9 months will end up being my longest panic attack to date!

14weeks 3 days

Buddha belly

It seems sometime this week my belly has grown. All of a sudden, people have started feeling like they have permission to rub my belly, as though it is not a part of me, merely where my baby is living.

I don’t really mind. It might be different when I get bigger and strangers feel the need, but the ladies at work just mean to make a fuss of ‘us’.

This coincides with another event, I purchased my first maternity top! My normal tops are starting to get a little short at the bottom and my boobs are busting out of my b-cup designed tops. I did want to hold off a little longer than this, week 14 sounds quite early to buy new clothes, but I needed something to wear out last night, so thought I’d treat myself.

Exam anxiety

I have just settled back into work after a 5 day ‘study break’. This was a totally different study break than any other I have had. In my last post graduate degree I was ‘a machine’; I’d be up at the crack of dawn ready to absorb as much of the law as I could before finally retiring to bed 18 hours later.

Before falling pregnant (and having no idea how long it would take to get that way) I decided, or was coerced into undertaking a further post graduate degree. It is only now that I realise how senseless it was. The law is demanding at the best of times but when I have to deal with it all day and then go home to study it on weekends while trying to fit in naps and bathroom visits, it is outright tiring!

So I had an exam on Tuesday, I spent the 5 days leading up to it in a mix of reading legislation, reading baby books, napping and watching Oprah. This is not my usual study routine…

To top it off, the morning of the exam I left home with an hour to spare and when I was nearly at the exam venue has a sudden realisation ‘I won't be able to last 3 hours without eating – I’ll just pop in to McDonalds for lunch first.’ Again, not my normal exam preparation (let alone eating habits!)…

When it was about half an hour until the start of the exam, I was sitting serenely eating my Big Mac, when I realised I would be late if I didn’t leave then. So I rushed back to the car, zoomed up 20+ levels of parking until finally finding a rooftop one, sprinted through the convention centre (ok, my idea of ‘sprinting’ is quite different now since pregnancy and bear in mind I was carrying piles of books and legislation) and finally made it to my exam with 5 minutes to use the bathroom (what else) before it started.

So, not my ordinary exam venue, pre-reading exercise…

But the good news is that I think the adrenaline from the ‘I’m going to be late’ panic meant that I attacked my exam with vigour that I haven’t experienced since becoming pregnant. I finished it all with a few minutes to spare to read over it, and then returned home to collapse, exhausted into a heap on my couch.

The strangest thing...

I feel great! Everyone kept telling me how the whole pregnancy thing would get better but I didn't really believe it.

Until suddenly, 2 days ago, I realised that I hadn't felt sick all day.

This was followed by yesterday, another day that I didn't feel sick, in fact, I was able to do a quick tidy up of the house before hubby got home last night - where did all this energy come from?

This morning I feel quite positive and in good spirits, something I have been unable to say about myself for a while.

I read that Pudding feels all the emotions that I do because hormones through the bloodstream will take adrenaline etc to my unborn baby. When a baby is born it already has a view of the world from how their mother felt felt about the world throughout the pregnancy.

This makes sense to me, if I feel that the world is a happy, loving place and my baby also feels these emotions, when born Pudding already has this view of the world.

What I was worried about was that, because I was feeling so negative for so long (as an example, throughout the first three months I was known to utter to my husband that I think Pudding will be an only child because I couldn't imagine knowingly making myself go through this again - how bad is that?!) that Pudding would be born with a preconceived idea that the world is a horrible, depressing place and keep that view through out life.

Anyway, since feeling more positive (and praying that it will continue) I have less fear of Pudding feeling this way and I feel such relief to feel this semblance of 'normal' again!

I am in love...

and my husband is in love, we are both so in love with our baby!

We had an ultrasound on Monday (the doctor recommended it after the slight spotting episode) and it was even more incredible than the first one we had back at 6 weeks. This time, rather than a little spot on a screen with a little flickering area (the heart) we could make out (with help from the nurse) the head, body and arm and leg buds!

We could also see the heart beating (175bpm - does this sounds too fast to you? The nurse said it was normal) and Pudding was waving its little arm and leg buds around at us. Hi Mum, Hi Dad, it's me in here!

It is one thing to see in books and on the internet what your baby looks like at this stage of development - it is another thing entirely to see your baby at this stage of development. It was beautiful.

Pudding was measuring perfectly - 10 weeks 2 days on Monday - it was just such a relief and an amazing experience. I can't wait for my next scan (I am booked in for week 19 - how do you expect me to wait that long before getting the high of seeing my little one growing and moving?).

I now sort of wish we opted for the 10-12 week Down's screening - we decided not to go through with it because we are not high risk and I looked at the statistics - 1 in 25 get a 'high risk' result, but in my age group only 1 in 10,000 have the actual risk, I would just be stressing myself out for something that is unlikely. In addition, our personal preference would be to continue with the pregnancy regardless, so the point is mute. The only reason I sort of wish we decided to do it is so that I can see Pudding again before the 19 week mark!

Pudding

While I have been having lots of good old whinge sessions about this pregnancy, I should have instead been thinking about all that my unborn baby 'Pudding' has been going through.

For instance, look at all that my little one has accomplished this week:

• We’ve got one whole inch of baby to measure! Our little embryo has finally reached the one-inch mark (30mm) at last. And if it were possible to take a peek, you could see Pudding with your naked eye!
  
• “I'm Swimming!” Pudding has begun moving inside my womb although it's too small for me to notice yet. Pudding is wriggling, shifting, and dancing already! Makes you almost wish for a window to peek in whenever you want!
  
• What’s more, Pudding is finally starting to take on some very distinct human features. For starters, his or her little tail (really just the spinal cord) has disappeared completely. It’s nice to know Pudding can no longer be mistaken for a sea creature! Additionally, toes and fingers are prominent with very little, if any, webbing.
  
• Most of the joints are formed now - elbow, wrist, knee, shoulder, and ankle as well as the hands, fingers, feet and toes. Pudding is practicing bending and flexing.
  
• Right now, Pudding’s head is disproportionately larger than the rest of his or her body--making up almost half of our little one’s height and weight!
  
• Baby will curve its fingers around an object placed in the palm of its hand – Pudding is fascinated by everything he or she can lay their fingers on (mainly other fingers, toes, ears and nose)!
  
• Fingerprints are already evident in the skin.
  
• Average size this week -- length 0.9 inch (2.3cm), weight 0.07 ounce (2gm)

A Teensy-weensy scare

Well we had a little scare on Sunday, where I a little blood was found when I wiped. It really was so little, like a few drops (but just diluted by my other fluids) of brownish stuff. Nothing else since.

Everything I read tells me not to worry - that it does sometimes happen.

I have of course since noticed every little twinge in my abdomen, but I think it is just like I have had throughout the pregnancy - presumably ligament stretching etc.

I still booked in to see my doctor for this Thursday (the earliest I could get), just to let her know. Also because when I researched about this, I found that any yellow discharge during pregnancy should be tested as it could be an infection and needs treatment. For the last couple of weeks I have had such discharge.

Oh the joys.

My Mum is great - every time I stress over a little thing she just thinks it is great: 'Isn't it amazing how much you just love this little one already and worry over its safety already'.

Survival

I know I haven't written in a while. I guess I have just been too busy with 'survival'. It is a constant thing on my mind - where my next meal will come from to ease the nausea. Then in the evenings when it subsides I have no energy to do very much except watch TV and sleep early, knowing full well that the next round of morning sickness is not too far away.

Last night as my husband sat stroking my hairy legs (do you really think I can be bothered shaving now) he casually asked 'so, do you moisturise anymore?' because my legs are so dry they are almost growing scales! Although he didn't mean any offence, it was not the best thing to say to a hormonal pregnant woman.

I went to bed thinking about all that had changed in the last couple of months; I no longer can be bothered to put on make-up (ditto for shaving, moisturising, exfoliating etc.), I only wash my hair when I have to, I eat all hours of the day (I even ate hot chips as a 'snack' the other day without a second thought), I no longer visit the gym, I can not be bothered at work.

The last one is really getting me down actually. It wouldn't be so bad if work was just work, but work is a career to me. I spent 4 years at university and then another 3 years completing my post-graduate part time while working, I am in fact currently undertaking a further advanced taxation law course. However, lately, I just don't seem to care about work at all.

I am not sure if it is because I know I am leaving at the end of this year and that any work I do now will be redundant because who will remember next year what kind of work I was doing early this year. Or maybe it is the morning sickness and hormones, I mean it is not easy to work feeling this ill, but most pregnant people manage it. Maybe it is just both.

Anyway, this was a really whinging post, I didn't mean it to be. I am actually writing because I suddenly had the realisation of all of this today and am going to change it all tonight. Tonight, i am locking myself in the bathroom until I look super-model-ish!!